Not a loaded Swiss bank account, Scrooge McDuck’s room of gold coins or an un-tapped diamond mine can provide enough money to buy back a full head of hair. Let’s be honest, there are many ways to combat hair loss and the thinning of the dome – but if there were a surefire quick-fix that could be had for a suitcase full of cash, tell me this: why does John Travolta look the way he does? The guy has like, his own fleet of jets and… look at his hair!
Mr. Greased Lightning is not alone. In fact, he’s in great company. I’m hesitant to speculate what exactly is transpiring on John Travolta’s scalp (plugs, pills, Sharpie? — even as a barber, I’m totally baffled). However, a few of his compatriots are less ambiguous about embracing their male pattern baldness. They go with a good old-fashioned comb over – a style beloved by politicians for centuries!
Believe it not, the list doesn’t include anyone whose name rhymes with “Ronald Dump”. As if that windbag and his ridiculous coif need any more press. Furthermore, the situation atop his head is more like contemporary sculpture than a simple comb over. So… moving on:
Con-Hair
Nic Cage, I’m talking to you! I just discovered there’s a mountain of photo galleries online solely dedicated to silly hairstyles sported by Nicholas Cage. True story – I once saw, scribbled on a bathroom stall in a dive bar men’s room, “No one likes ALL Nicholas Cage movies”. This had sparked about two dozen replies, making it, by far, the liveliest conversation on the wall. What I learned: people have very strong feeling about Nic Cage. And people write really goofy stuff in bar bathrooms.
Clark Gris-Bald
Alright, I don’t want to be a jerk, but, Chevy Chase… you’re looking a little like an unlucky horseshoe lately. Once the “toilet seat circle” settles into your hairline, there aren’t many ways you can go about combatting it. Only one comes to mind: keep it short, stupid (I’m totally not calling Chevy Chase ‘stupid’). As in, the sides need to keep up with the top without passing them. Or the next thing you know, you’re crossing into Bozo-the-Clown territory. And Chevy Chase is funny enough already.
Mmm, Donut Head…
Y’know…a circle with a hole in the middle (the bald spot, of course!). I don’t want to hear that Homer Simpson is a fictional character and doesn’t count. The Simpsons has only been on the air for, oh, I don’t know, the past millennia or so. This makes the king of beer and donuts practically more relevant than anyone else on this list. I guess we can blame some animator in the late ‘80s for his lonely, crisscrossed sprigs of hair. However, now that I think about it, Marge clearly has enough hair for both of them.
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Freelance blogger Jim Chaffee is a barber who writes about style issues and men’s hair loss. When he’s not busy scrutinizing total strangers, you can find him whipping up fresh batches of homemade salsa. Extra spicy.
